Getaway: Bristol
it’s been a while since Anthony and I have taken a trip anywhere so over the weekend we packed up the car, grabbed Toby and headed north. Anthony, like everyone, loves Zillow. Every night, he shows me house after house. Some are big, some are small, some are new, some are so old they’re falling apart. So when I mentioned taking a day trip north, he jumped on the opportunity to show me yet another house. What makes this house different is it’s location - merely 45 minutes north of Boothbay where I spend the summer working our family business.
Without much thought, I agreed and away we went. We passed oyster farms and hiking trails as we made our way down the peninsula to New Harbor, Maine. Once there, we rounded a corner and my breath was taken away. The view from the top of the hill was stunning. Sure, I’ve been here before and I spend all summer on the ocean but there was something about this particular view that floored me. The house is part of a small fishing village that’s pretty quiet in the February winter but is a popular place for boaters and fishermen alike come summer. We got out of the car, poked around and peered into the windows at the abandoned home. Even though we won’t likely move here, we debated (rather heatedly) about what we would do with the space.
Eventually we left and went for a walk at Pemaquid Point Light and took in the view of a frosty North Atlantic Ocean. Despite my extrovert nature, there’s something about moving to remote coastal Maine that has always captivated my imagination.
After our housing debate and subsequent walk, we went to lunch and shared some oysters, chicken wings, and local beer. Personally, I think the beer made in Maine is some of the best in the world but that’s just my own biased opinion. To work off our indulgent lunch, we took Toby for a walk in the woods at one of the many land trusts along Maine’s coast. One of the unsung perks of Maine is the network of land trusts, state, and local parks. Maine is dotted with these up and down the coast as well as inland and throughout the state. Though some take issue with removing land from a local tax base, I think it’s great that locals and visitors alike can enjoy Maine’s rugged outdoors.
On our way home, we stopped to see a friend we’ve been isolated from since the beginning of the pandemic, had a couple of beers and caught up. It was great to see her and was just the mid-winter pick-me-up we all needed. Despite our best efforts and all the beauty around us, Maine winters are long and cold. it is easy to become disconnected here since most of us are socially hibernating until warmer weather returns. COVID only made this even more difficult. Now that things are looking more hopeful, we are feeling more comfortable getting together with friends in safe environments.
What started as a way to get out of the house ended up having a bigger impact than we’d imagined. We talked that day about dreams, hopes, and plans for the future. Discovered new places we fell in love with and got a much-needed dose of socialization. All in all, it was a good weekend.
Farewell 2019 and Hello 2020
While 2019 comes to a close and the internet is either obsessing over baby Yoda or still trying to figure out what day it is, I’ve been spending time reflecting on the last year. Sure there was impeachment, Kanye became a gospel artist and who will ever forget the great Popeyes versus Chik-fil-a debate of 2019? For me, 2019 was a year of growth, celebration, and hope. Despite all that is wrong in the world, good things did happen and I am happy to have shared in some wonderful, joyous moments.
Top Five Moments of 2019
I became an uncle again! As a tree was crashing through my house, my sister was giving birth to my nephew, Wyatt. The night he was born there was a wind storm moving across Maine and leaving a path of destruction in its trail. Despite the damage and work that had to be done, Anthony and I were so excited to wake up to the good news. Wyatt is proof that every dark cloud has a silver lining.
Anthony and I celebrated our first anniversary. I’m not sure how I convinced him to stay with me after all this time, let along marry me, but he did and here we are. We celebrated with seared duck breast and a Bianca Del Rio show. Mrs. Kasha Davis was there too.
I finally gave up all forms of nicotine. This one was a long time coming. I started smoking when I was 18 and smoked on and off up until January when I bought a Juul. I ripped on that Juul all summer long, not knowing how bad it actually is, until this fall when I switch to Nicorette and eventually gave that up as well. I’ve tried quitting multiple times in the past however this time feels like the final time. I couldn’t be happier and I know everyone around me is happy too.
I took over managing my family business. Despite how much I enjoyed working at the bank, nothing compares to managing the family business. I’ve sent every summer of my life on Cabbage Island and have worked there in some capacity since I was 13. Working alongside my parents, uncle, aunts, cousins and my 99-year-old grandmother is a rewarding way to spend a summer. It helps that I get to drive a boat every day too.
My sister opened her own business. This one technically happened last year but The Collective really took off this year! My sister opened an artist collaborative, gallery and workspace in late 2018 and has been working hard to build the business all year. I am so proud of what my sister has accomplished and even more thrilled it is in the same space as our parents’ old flower shop.
Goals for 2020 and Beyond
Learn to exercise for joy. Exercise for me has always been about metrics. I have long obsessed over how much I weigh, how fast I can run a mile and how many pushups I can do. To me, that was the whole point of exercising. To get faster, stronger and thinner. It wasn’t until I was listening to an interview with Kelly McGonigal on 10% Happier with Dan Harris that it occurred to me that I can exercise simply because I enjoy the activity and not because I want to be faster, stronger or thinner. To some, this might seem like an obvious notion but it frankly took me by surprise. You mean to tell me that if I don’t enjoy a certain form of movement, I don’t have to do it?! Where has this advice been all my life!? In 2020 and beyond, I will focus more on finding joy in movement that punishing myself for not running a 6-minute mile.
Deepen my meditation practice. On the same page as enjoying exercise for non-critical reasons, I also plan to deepen my meditation practice. I took Tae Kwon Do lessons for 10 years when I was younger and we always started and ended each class with meditation. At the time, I didn’t understand the benefits but when I found myself on a therapist’s couch a few years ago, he recommended I give it another try. Since then, I’ve been meditating daily-ish and really embraced the practice. I listen to 10% Happier with Dan Harris every week and listen to all the wonderful guests he has on to talk about meditation, its benefits and its place in western civilization. In 2020, I hope to deepen this practice and attend a retreat, even if it’s just a short one. If you haven’t tried meditation, I highly suggest you give it a try. It doesn’t have to be new age and weird, just sit and know you’re sitting.
3. Teach more pasta classes. I taught a pasta and ravioli class this fall at my sister’s store, The Collective and absolutely loved it. I loved it so much in fact that I plan to make a little side hustle out of teaching people of all ages how to make fresh pasta and ravioli. I am probably on the obsessive end of this spectrum but for me, making pasta and ravioli is not only fun but therapeutic and I can’t get enough of it.
4. Share my blog (this one!) with the world. For almost a decade, I’ve talked a big game about wanting to start a cooking blog. I’ve told pretty much everyone I know that it is what I want to do and they have all told me the same thing “that’s great, Ryan. So do it”. Well, a year ago I did. However, I haven’t told a soul about it because publishing this blog and sharing it with people I know is absolutely terrifying. What will my friends think? What about my family? Will the trolls come out of the internet to make fun of the way that I write, the way that I cook or any other fault they may perceive? I simply don’t know. What I do know, is that I’m tired of not trying to follow my passion for food. I’m tired of being scared and I’m tired of seeing other people do what I know I can do. So here it is. If you like this blog. Share it. Tell your friends, tell your mom, tell the stranger on the bus.
5. Start planning a family with Anthony. This is the one I am the most excited about in 2020. I have wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember. I remember being young and my mom forcing me to get rid of old clothes that didn’t fit and toys I didn’t play with and reminding her that my future children might appreciate the broken Power Rangers doll I had to throw away - I was 9. This year, Anthony and I are taking the first step towards becoming fathers. We are open to all paths to parenthood and are exploring everything from fostering to surrogacy. We are still a few years away from bringing a little one into our lives but I’m SO excited to get this ball rolling.
Whatever your hopes and dreams are for 2020, I hope you find the strength to be vulnerable and go out and get them. Happy New Year.
Coming Home
September is a bittersweet month for me. Clambake season is over and I’ve packed my plants and Nugs (the cat) and moved home. My parents left for Ohio and the island is now a quiet and lonely place. I am notoriously bad at saying goodbye (read: I usually cry) and this year was no different. Even though I’ll see them soon, it is always painful to say goodbye to my family, especially when we’ve been in such close quarters for so long.
This being said, I have been looking forward to coming home for a few reasons:
Maine falls are wonderful. The summer crowds have gone and we are able to get to all the hot spots without dealing with traffic and fighting for parking spots.
Obviously the foliage is spectacular and the cool, crispy air means I can wear sweaters, scarves and boots again.
Most importantly, moving home this year coincided with my anniversary with Anthony.
To celebrate our Anniversary, Anthony and I spent the day doing all the things we love; visiting breweries, greenhouses and working in our garden at home.
For dinner, I wanted to make something new and different. After pouring through mountains of cookbooks and websites, I settled on duck. One of my favorite food writers, Eric Kim, of Food52 had posted a recipe earlier in the summer for Duck Breast with Blueberry Port Sauce and I decided to give it a try. I don’t always follow recipes to every detail but I’m so glad I did with this. The sauce was absolutely delicious and may have been the real star here.
Get the recipe for Eric Kim’s Duck Breast with Blueberry Port Sauce
Cabbage Island Clambakes
I have made some major changes in the last year. Since turning 30 in August, I got married, quit my job, traveled for a month and now find myself taking on the role of general manager at my family business, here in Maine. Cabbage Island Clambakes is a family owned and operated experience in Boothbay Harbor, Maine. We offer a tour of the harbor, where you will see lighthouses, islands and perhaps a porpoise and seal. Then you arrive at Cabbage Island where my father and uncle will greet you on the dock, my 98 year old grandmother will greet you on the patio, my cousin is serving bar, another cousin serving tables and yet another cousin cooking everything you need for a traditional Downeast clambake. We’ve been at it for 30 years and I have grown up working alongside my parents, uncles, aunts, sibling and cousins for years.
Working in a family business is not for the faint of heart and it certainly comes with its own challenges. Navigating the complex relationships of father/son employer/employee can be messy and daunting at times. Fortunately, we have been at this for 31 years and have a good handle on how to operate both the business and ourselves.
The best part of working with your family and managing a successful business is the depth relationships take on over time. When one of us is struggling, the rest of us help out and lend a hand, this extends beyond our business function.
If you’ve never been to Maine, you need to come. While you’re here, come see us and enjoy a beautiful boat ride, a great meal and the warm hospitality we offer. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
For more information on Cabbage Island Clambakes, please visit our website at cabbageislandclambakes.com
Eternal Gratitiude
This year has been a wild ride. I turned 30, got married, made a major plans for the future and have found myself back in a place where I want to write. There have also been some mishaps, none all too serious but mishaps nonetheless. This morning, I am thinking of all I have to be grateful for and forgiving for the bumps along the way.
Never Ending Gratitude
My Pets
Everyone loves their pets and thinks they have the best dog, cat, fish, parrot around. I am no exception, barring the fact that I know my darling dog is not very well behaved and I have a very fat, lazy cat. Still, I love them unconditionally, even when Toby won’t come inside and Nugs won’t stop crying for water*.
Nugs, especially, has been with me longer than my husband or Toby. He’s my OG, ride-or-die compadre and I am so grateful to have him. He is mellow, agreeable and a great pillow.
Toby, on the other hand, is constantly wound for sound but so loyal. Yes, he wakes me up every morning at 5 am to go out but its those early mornings that endear him to my heart. He can also be high maintenance and isn’t a fan of having company over unless they are there to play with him and only him. He also doesn’t like when Anthony and I hug, touch, look at each other or breath. Despite all this, he still has moments when I think about how sweet and loving he is. For that, I am grateful.
My Home
I love my house and with Anthony’s help, we have turned it into a home together. It gives me a sense of belonging and safety and makes the long days bearable, knowing I have someone to return to at the end of the day where I am safe and hidden away. I am looking forward to renovating our dining room this winter and painting the outside this summer. When Anthony and I are done, we will have brought this home back to life and prepared it for what comes next in our lives.
My Friends
I have always known that I have the best friends. Since I was young, I have surrounded myself with good, honest, fun-loving people. This was never more evident than at our wedding this fall. Friends from as far away as Hawaii came to Maine to see me marry the love of my life and celebrate with us. It was a heartwarming day that was made better by their presence.
Friendship isn’t just about the big moments in life, its also about the little things and for that, I am eternally grateful.
My Family
I would not be here without the unstoppable love I receive each and every day from my family. My parents, my sister, my brother-in-law, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandmothers. Even my baby niece. The reciprocal love we have for each other is unstoppable, unconditional and never-ending. Without them, I wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be who I am today.
My Husband
I absolutely love my husband. From the day we met, we have been drawn together and attached at the hips. He is my rock and I am his. Without Anthony’s constant love, support and shoulder to cry on, I don’t think I could even begin to think of the journey I am preparing to make. Even when we are fighting and bickering and its cold and there’s snow to be shoveled, I am so grateful for Anthony and all he has brought to my life.
As I said in my vows at our wedding, my only wish in life is if he should live for 100 years, that I live for 100 minus one day so I never have to live without him again.
Me, Myself and I
This final note will seem vain and in fact, it is. But sometimes, we all need a little vanity and self-love. I am most grateful for myself, the life I am building, my body. Without this gratitude, I wouldn’t be able to love and appreciate all the wonderful people and things I am so blessed to have in my life.
The Obligatory New Year's Day Post: 2018 Edition
I have never been a big believer in New Year's resolutions. Perhaps it is the chore of finding weaknesses and personal blind spots I dislike or maybe it is the feeling of failure I am prone to feel when I don't lose the weight, miss a day at the gym and don't learn to speak Mandarin. I am not alone in this feeling. A meager eight percent of people who set New Year's resolutions actually achieve them. What about the other 92% of us? What are we to do?
Instead resolutions, I have spent the last few New Year's Days thinking of the past, finding ways to be grateful, and setting intentions and hopes for the coming year. This year, I have decided to share them with you. 2017 wasn't easy for anyone but there were golden nuggets sprinkled around like glitter at a gay club. Here are some of my reasons to be thankful:
Thank You, 2017
I Was Recognized by EqualityMaine
I have been volunteering with EqualityMaine since I moved to Maine in 2012. My first experience with the organization was canvassing door-to-door to encourage people to vote "yes" for marriage equality on the ballot, an initiative Mainers supported. Since then, I have helped plan two Galas, a Halloween party, marched in a Pride parade with them and answer anytime they call.
This year, I was flattered to receive the Out-Front Leadership Award, an honor that touched me. EQME does the vital work needed to protect the rights of the LGBT community in Maine and accepting this award was one of the most meaningful honors of my life. I look forward to working with them in 2018 and beyond.
I Raised $1,500 for Charity
I love a challenge and I have a hard time backing down. This became evident over the summer when I was asked to help raise money for the Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. Long story short, there was a dunk tank, my former CEO, and a challenge to raise $1,000. I (with the help of my colleagues) crushed this goal and put the entire leadership team in a dunk tank.
I Became an Uncle
One of the greatest things to happen in 2017 was the birth of my beautiful niece Morgan. She came into this world over the summer and has captured the hearts of all who meet her. She is a delightful, happy, and curious little girl and I am so excited to watch her grow
Becoming an uncle was by far my happiest moment all year. Despite the chaos of daily life, when you look in the eyes of a baby you see and feel things differently.
I Ran My First 10K
I have never been a stellar distance runner, I've never been much of a runner at all. As a kid, I had my first panic attack when I was in elementary school and was told I had to run a mile as part of my grade. I knew it wouldn't be easy I'm built like a refrigerator and running just wasn’t in my cards. I can still remember the fear and terror I felt that morning on the bus when I realized there are cows that run faster than me.
This all changed over the summer when I ran my first Beach to Beacon 10K. It was a daunting challenge, but out of sheer will and stubbornness, I pulled through. I finished the race in 56 minutes and 28 seconds and have never felt such a rush in all my life as I did; sprinting across the finish line to my friends greeted me with a celebratory gin and tonic.
I (Finally) Started a Blog!
This has been a long time coming but I couldn't be happier with myself. Writing, cooking, and storytelling are some of my passions and this blog will become my space to share with the world (or scream into the void, whatever).
I Got the Help I Needed
Of all the things I am celebrating today, the most important thing I did for myself in 2017 was to admit that I have problems I cannot solve on my own. I have a past with depression and anxiety and after years of struggling, I finally asked for help. After months of work with a professional, I am happier and stronger than ever.
Mental health is vital and must be taken seriously. I love my life, I love my family and I love living, sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is cruel, but we must carry on.
If you or someone you know needs help, do not hesitate to reach out. Here are resources to help.
Hello, 2018
2017 was a hell of a year for me but here is what I'm looking forward to in 2018
Running My First Half Marathon
Competition runs deep in my veins. It is a genetic disposition my sister and I inherited from our parents. As I mentioned above, I ran my first 10K last year and now I'm hooked on distance running. It has gone from the cause of great heartache and stress to a sacred and cherished time for me to be alone with my body and thoughts. This spring, I'm running the Shipyard Maine Coast Half Marathon. I don't expect to win or even come close to winning but I do intend to cross that finish line and look forward to crushing this personal goal.
Turning 30
Sometimes I dread the thought of getting older. One of the things I worked on with my therapist was forgiving myself for not being everything I wanted to be when I was a kid. I've always been ambitious and a big dreamer and from a young age, I set the bar high for myself and have beaten myself up for not reaching my goals. Instead of considering this a moral and personal failure, I have opted to look at things differently. First and foremost, I'm only turning 30 and there are plenty of examples of people who found their passion later in life.
Now, rather than saying I'll never be something because I'm not that now, I simply say "it hasn't happened, yet". That last word is vital because putting arbitrary expiration dates on things causes so much unnecessary stress that it often leads to inaction. So what if I'm not a celebrity chef yet, Julie Child didn't even know how to cook until she was in her mid-30s and she died one of the culinary worlds most exalted heroes. All good things are worth the wait.
Getting Married
In 256 days, I am marrying the kindest and most loving man I know. Anthony and I are an anomaly of the gay-dating world in that we met on Grindr, fell in love almost immediately and have been together ever since. Our relationship is not perfect, but it is perfect for us and exchanging vows in front of our family and friends will surely be one of the happiest days of our lives.
My friend, Cody Barry, took this photo (and more). Check out his work here.
So there you have it. My reflection on 2017 and my hopes for 2018. Whatever your goals and aspirations are, I hope you reach them.